"There is an elasticity in the human mind, capable of bearing much, but which will not show itself, until a certain weight of affliction be put on it; its powers may be compared to those vehicles whose springs are so contrived that they get on smoothly enough when loaded, but jolt confoundedly when they have nothing to bear."
CHARLES CALEB COLTON, Lacon
"It is a funny thing, the way sticky situations work themselves out when you have the guts and the stamina to just sit back and let it all unfold."
BETHANY MICHELE ASKEW
CHAPTER ONE
So many times I have sat weeping and pleading for a break in the emotional beating of my life, often referred to as adoption. Left wondering why I must prove again and again to God and man that I am strong enough, and will not be defeated or broken. After almost three years of bearing broken promises and missed deadlines, convinced I was soon to run out of blood, sweat and tears, I have arrived to the 10th and final round of this fight.
Now I stand here, in the middle of the ring tired and weary. I realize as I stand tall, that the hard part is still ahead as I repair for the longest ride of my life. With so many details not to be forgotten and the clock on the wall working over time clicking away the precious moments I have left to get them all accomplished, I take inventory. Only to find I'm afraid, all that is left running the show are my few remaining unraveled nerves and a couple drops of adrenalin from my reserve tanks and I'm certainly not sure that's going to be enough to get the job done.
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It is growing very late and the bags cluttering the floor still need to be packed. Every available square inch of them responsible for the gross number of vitally important supplies needed for a journey such as this. If there was any time in my life to be grateful for logging in so many hours of video games, dropping block after odd shaped block, as efficiently as possible to advance to the next level, THIS WAS IT! And though I had been a raining high score holder in my childhood on that wildly popular video game, I have no clue how this mountain of paraphernalia is going to fit into two greatly undersized suitcases. I needn't say that turning around for a forgotten item after I am underway is obviously not an option no matter what the item or its level of importance.
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Though overjoyed that the time has come to embark I dream of watching myself from a distance while the preparations are finalized. Similar to watching an old home video of my self as a child happily prancing in circles around the living room dressed up in some silly costume. The music in the background from one of my mothers vinyl records blending with the laughter of my older sister awkwardly dressed in a matching outfit and waiting for her cue to join me in front of the camera. As it was not so easy to remember what led to that embarrassing performance or what happened after the curtain closed, I wish to fast forward through this experience and just watch the important and significant part that was caught on tape.
In a moment of clarity I realize that I still feel like that little girl prancing around and giggling in the video. Would retracing my steps back to "never never land" reveal the moment I grew up and sailed away? Realistically, if you don't remember how you got somewhere in the first place, retracing your steps will do nothing but leave you tired and lost.
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As the luggage gains weight and the clock punches its time card, I draw lines through the remaining "to do's" on my heavily doodled list. With every chore I cross off my mind becomes clearer and calmer but my heart becomes heavier. Heavy not only from the weight of the unknown, but also from the unavoidable pain of leaving those I love behind and waiting. It is a strange feeling of guilt and sorrow to have to turn my head on the child I have been so ever available for, and whose very existence embodies everything I have ever wanted or wished for in a beautifully wrapped package. And yet though I seem to have it all with in this little babe, I am leaving her, though briefly, to gather up my other child that I have wanted and wished for just as long and strongly. He too is a gift so unattainable in my dreams yet so undeniably meant to be here in my reality. Soon there will be no more waiting and all of our blessings will permanently fall under the same roof rather then the same stars.
After the last of the necessities are squeezed into their places and the zippers are closed and locked, only moderately straining against the load, I find that I am as ready as I'll ever be. The bags are now in place at the back door, and my list has been checked and re checked. My clothing for the early morning flight is set out and ready for me to pour my depleted and sleep deprived body into. The house that I have yet gotten to know well is tidy and still so empty. The bare walls are cold, since I have yet to find time to hang the pictures and paintings that will take it from a house to our home. It is quiet with the baby asleep, it will be 10 days until I will hear or hold her again, I will not want to wake her to say goodbye.
After the last of the necessities are squeezed into their places and the zippers are closed and locked, only moderately straining against the load, I find that I am as ready as I'll ever be. The bags are now in place at the back door, and my list has been checked and re checked. My clothing for the early morning flight is set out and ready for me to pour my depleted and sleep deprived body into. The house that I have yet gotten to know well is tidy and still so empty. The bare walls are cold, since I have yet to find time to hang the pictures and paintings that will take it from a house to our home. It is quiet with the baby asleep, it will be 10 days until I will hear or hold her again, I will not want to wake her to say goodbye.
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It is a wonder how my mind does not strain under the load I have placed on it for so long, but works better with the o so heavy challenge. Tonight I will pray that I can hold it all together, mind, body and character for this one of a kind once in a life time trip.
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In just a few hours my fight continues, this time starting the troughs of the Portland International Airport in the wee hours of the morning. Starting then I will only have my hand to hold and my company to keep to get me through my worst nightmare, 36 hours of flying. I suppose it is worth every undying second of misery to bring Jonathan home. For good.
Sleep is all there is now. And Lord please let sleep come.
